


A Life Long Look at Connor McKinley

by Strawberry_Times



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Flashbacks, M/M, past abuse (but nothing insane), this is not connected to my other fics at all it's a completely different story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 16:53:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12113088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberry_Times/pseuds/Strawberry_Times
Summary: A lifetime of memories good and bad. Connor McKinley was a nervous wreck.





	A Life Long Look at Connor McKinley

December 14th. It was snowing in Virginia, and a large Mormon family piled into the car, driving to the hospital because mom was giving birth. 

The McKinley's welcomed their fifth child, Connor, into their little brood. He had fair skin and a head of crazy red hair, which his sister laughed at. It was a happy day, and he earned the title of "Christmas Miracle" in his family. They brought him home, and for the first year of his life he shared a room with his mother and father, until his little brother was born, Ronnie, the second son to be born to the family. Two years later and the last child was born to the McKinley's. A little tiny blonde named Bethany. 

They were a happy, large family. One mom, one dad, five girls, and two boys. They never missed church even if someone was sick. "Just pray to Heavenly Father for healing" their mother would joke, and wrap them up in their Sunday best. It was a nice life and Connor enjoyed it. 

He liked the way his family worked. 

He liked everything about his life.

~

When Connor was eight he saw his sisters dance recital, and it sparked something in him. He wanted to dance. He wanted to get up onstage in a cool costume and do spins and lift girls into the air. He wanted tap shoes and point shoes and all the other shoes you have to buy. He wanted it all so badly, so he went to his mom while she was making dinner.

"Mommy." He said.

"Yes my love?" She responded with a smile as she cut up some lettuce for a salad.

"Can I dance like Lindsay and Sarah." Those were his oldest sisters, they had been dancing for years. His mom stopped cutting the lettuce and looked at him, examining him.

"You want to dance?" She asked with raised eyebrows. He nodded his head excitedly. "Are you sure? There's not a lot of boys in dance, and it's pretty hard." Connor didn't care, all he could think of was wanting to be on that stage.

"I want to really bad." He said.

"Well... I'll talk to Daddy about it ok?" She said and grabbed his cheeks and kissed his forehead. "If he says it's ok then we'll start you in it when the new school year rolls around, ok?" She said.

"Ok!" He said jumping excitedly, he rushed forward and hugged her waist. "Thank you thank yooou!" He squealed and ran back to his room upstairs which he shared with Ronnie.

~

"I just don't understand why he can't do baseball or even karate or something? Dance is just so... It's a girl thing Dianne." Connor was listening in on his parents conversation from outside their door. His little sister, who had just turned five, walked up next to him. Connor put a finger to his lips and whispered "shhh", she repeated his action and put her ear against the door as well.

"It's not just a girl thing Steven, boys do it all the time?" He heard his mother say. "I'm pretty sure there's a boy Connor's age in the academy right now.

"Why can't he just do baseball?"

"We tried Baseball, remember? He didn't like it... Why don't we just let him do it? You shoulda seen him when he asked me, it was the sweetest thing." She sighed. "He never asks for anything Steve... Let's just... Give him this one thing." 

It was quiet for a long time.

"... ok fine." He heard his father say. Connor quietly jumped up and punched the air, dancing silently to himself, and Bethany laughed. He heard footsteps approaching the door, and he abandoned his sister and ran to his room as fast as he could. He pulled out a comic book from his brother's bed and pretended to be emerged in its pages. He heard a knock at the door. 

"Connor?" His mother opened it quietly, stepping in. "Daddy said yes." She smiled and he pretended to be surprised, jumping off the bed and running to her, jumping in her arms. She laughed and held him. 

"Thank you so much!" He felt like crying he was so happy. His mother held him tight. 

"You're very welcome. But you have to make sure you keep A's and B's on your report card or Dad says he won't let you stay in dance. Can you do that?" She asked setting him down.

"Of course I can do that!" He was so ecstatic. His mom laughed and kissed his head. 

"I love you my little Miracle." She whispered and left the room. 

Connor flopped on the bed. He didn't stop smiling the rest of the night.

~

Connor was nine and had become very close to a boy in his dance classes, Steve Blade.

His father would laugh because they had the same name, and Connor would say it wasn't that funny. 

Steve was ten and this year they were both in fifth grade, 'connected at the hip' as his mother would say. Connor liked the way he danced ballet, but especially when they would tap dance together. Tap was Connor's favorite, and Steve was really good at it. 

Connor liked everything about Steve. The way he danced, or sat, or said the word "Tip-toe". He liked how he treated Connor, and he liked his hair and his very green eyes. Connor thinks his eyes are his best feature. Sometimes Connor would get distracted by Steve's eyes, and get yelled at by his dance instructor. Steve, Connor realized, really liked him too. He would always sit next to Connor, or play with his hair, or tell him secrets. 

"You're my best friend." He said one day while they were stretching. Connor looked at him with wide eyes.

"Really?" He asked. Steve laughed.

"Ya! Am I your best friend?"

"Of course you are, are you crazy?!" Connor laughed and Steve laughed too. When they stood up to start dancing, Steve hugged him really hard and tight. Connor blushed. 

That night Connor had a really weird dream and it made him feel strange. He and Steve were alone together and Steve tried to kiss him and Connor really wanted to but he woke up. He sat up on his bed, thoroughly confused. Why did he dream about that? He didn't even know boys did that to other boys. 

It had really bothered him so he went to his older sister Frankie the next morning. She was thirteen and the only one who had a boyfriend. 

"Frankie?"

"Yes Connor." She said while making her bed. She was wearing a pink dress and her brown hair was up in a ponytail. 

"Can I ask you something?" He asked. She turned around, concerned by the scared tone of voice. Connor was playing with his thumbs.

"Yeah... Are you ok?" Connor didn't know why but he really wanted to cry. He tried to hold back his tears but that didn't really work. Frankie rushed forward and picked him up, struggling since he had gotten so big. She put him on her bed, and sat next to him while he cried. "Connor what happened? Is someone being mean to you?" She asked, rubbing his back. He shook his head.

"I had a really weird dream." He said quietly.

"Well, what was it about?" Connor retold his dream to her and she went very red in the face. She was looking at him with a shocked and stern expression. She hopped off the bed and held his hand, looking him in the eye. "Connor? Do you think about Steve like that a lot?" Connor had to think. He thinks he did.

"Ya... Kinda." He said. Frankie sighed.

"Ok listen to me. Those thoughts are not good. Ok?" She looked concentrated. "Boys are not supposed to feel that way about other boys. Connor, you can only feel like that towards girls." She thought for a moment while Connor's heart silently broke. "You wanna know what I do when I think of something I shouldn't think about?" She asked. Connor nodded slightly. She walked over to the light switch and flicked it off. The lighting didn't really change because it was morning time, and Connor was confused.

"What?" He asked, rubbing his eye. Frankie sighed again, walking over to him. 

"Just pretend... Pretend that your brain is a light switch, and when you think of something bad, just turn off the light switch and shut down that thought." She made a flicking motion with her hand. Connor furrowed his eyebrows. "Connor. What you thought about was really bad. It was sin." She said the word like it was hot lava on her tongue. "You can't let mom or dad know about it ok? Or anybody, because even though Heavenly Father knows everything, not even he wants to know about that stuff because it's so wrong. Do you understand?" She asked again.

Connor was scared. He looked at his shoes, and nodded. She hugged him but he didn't hug back. 

Connor and Steve didn't talk as much after that.

~

When Connor was in eighth grade he spent a week (much to his father's dismay) in Savannah, Georgia for dance nationals with his mom. She was very excited because she used to do this every year with his sisters, but now the only two that danced had graduated so it was only him, and this was the first year his father let him go. 

Connor had a whole week to take different dance workshops and stay at a fancy hotel with his friends. 

He decided on the second day to take a tap dance workshop. When he entered he stood next to another boy who was about his age, but taller with crazy black hair and blue eyes, like himself. He shook Connor's hand and said his name was Zach. Connor thought he was very attractive, then properly reminded himself to turn it off. 

Zach would smile at him, and stare at him while he thought Connor wasn't looking. It was very distracting. 

They learned dances to some old song from the eighties that Connor couldn't remember the name to, and when they took a water break, Zach asked Connor a question.

"Are you from Georgia?"

"No I'm from Virginia." He responded taking a sip of his water. Zach contemplated this for a second, as he watched Connor's throat. 

"I have a funny question." He said with a smile. Connor smiled back.

"Shoot." He said.

"Are you gay?" He asked. Connor went pale. 

"... What?" 

"I'm sorry for being so forward but you just seem gay?" He said. Connor blinked. "It's ok though, I'm gay and I just wanted to know if you were too." Connor furrowed his eyebrows and looked at Zach with disgust. He reminded himself that Zach probably doesn't know any better and he smiled at him, collecting himself.

"Well, no I am not." Zach looked a little disheartened. Connor was still smiling, showing off his teeth. "Zach, are you a Christian?" Zach looked at Connor strangely. 

"No."

"I thought so." He said. "And neither am I. I am a Mormon, and it is against my religion to be a homosexual, and I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it but you were very wrong." He said. Zach looked very done with this conversation and Connor felt unlike himself as he continued to talk. "I can share my Book of Mormon with you if you'd like?"

"No that's ok, I think we're starting again." Zach walked back to the dance floor, and Connor watched him walk away. This was the first time someone had noticed that about Connor. He thought back to his sister saying that having thoughts like that were wrong and he felt dirty. He looked at Zach who was looking at him with sad eyes and he felt ashamed. He grabbed his bag and left the class, calling his mom off of a strangers phone to take him back to the hotel room. 

Connor rebuilt his light switch so it was titanium and very hard to flip on. He promised himself to devote more time to church. He didn't want anyone else to see him as something other than what he was, and that was straight. 

"Are you ok sweetie?" His mom asked as they drove in the car. He faked a smile.

"Yeah! I got a cramp in my leg." He looked at his shoes and remembered he had just told a lie. He felt hot, and gross. "Ma... How would you feel if I quit dancing." His mom nearly stopped the car in the middle of the road.

"Baby why?" She asked with concern. Connor couldn't look at her. 

"Well... I don't think it's as important as church, and I know Dad doesn't want me doing it... I just think I might be wasting my time." He said. His mom parked, they had reached the hotel. 

"Connor." He looked at her. "I know you very well. Nothing has ever made you as happy as dancing does. You're a completely different person up on that stage. You balance school, dance, and church very well and if you want to do more with the church that's fine by me, but I will not let you give up something you love this much." She looked stern, and Connor still felt hot. He hung his head in shame.

"... Ok." She hugged him, and they went inside.

That night Connor had a very bad dream. He dreamt of Hell and the Devil and himself being ripped apart, it was horrible and he woke up in a cold sweat. Little did he know this would be a daily occurrence. 

He devoted himself more to the church, spending as much time there as possible, praying and studying. He made himself fit in, and was rewarded through his peers by becoming head of student ministry. His dreams got worse and worse and he didn't tell anybody.

~

When Connor was nineteen he was sent to Northern Uganda on his mission trip with a young man called Elder Church. They got along well enough, and he was very nice. The president had made Connor District leader, and his father smiled at him when he left. He had told him it was the first time he had ever felt proud of his son. Connor took this as a compliment.

They had set up camp at their small district hut in the middle of nowhere next to a town called 'Kitguli'. It was very hot here and Connor could already feel the sunburn on his skin as he and some of the new elders tried to promote their religion to the village people. 

No luck. No luck for three months. 

The mission president contacted him, and told him two new recruits were coming. Connor was very excited to meet them, he had heard great things about Elder Price. That he was smart and amazing, and would definitely be the right guy for the job. Connor wondered what he looked like or if he'd be nice. He wondered if Elder Price would baptize the Africans as soon as he showed up. He wondered if Elder Price were his fathers son, if he would have been proud of him sooner. He thinks he probably would be.

~

Elder Price was not as grand as he was told. He almost ruined everything Connor had worked so hard to achieve. He was snarky and mean and conceited and Connor didn't like him one bit. He seemed to only care about himself and that made Connor so angry, because for all the months they've been here together Connor had been nothing but nice and helpful, then, Price walks in and messes it all up.

He was stupid and arrogant and handsome. With his perfect hair and dimples. Connor thought about these traits in anger. He turned it all off. His anger, his frown, and definitely his strange attraction to Elder Price that he couldn't really wrap his finger around. Although Price was a complete jerk, Connor seemed to hang on to every word the boy said, sometimes even following him around like a sad puppy. It was absolutely pathetic.

"What is your obsession with me?!" Price yelled at him one day as Connor washed the dishes. He continued scrubbing as he said,

"Hello Elder, back from the dead I see?" Price scoffed behind him. He had just come back from outside.

"For your information 'Elder' I was out helping the village people. What have you been doing all day. Cleaning up?" Connor could tell he was just trying to pick a fight. He turned, calmly, and said,

"Yes, I have. And if you would like to help, I could use it." Connor held out the scrub brush. Price stared at him. He looked very good today, Connor thought. He was tall and slim, and his hair was still perfect even if it was a little mussed. He took the brush. Connor secretly smiled.

They stood in the small kitchen, Price washing, and Connor drying. He looked angry as he plunged the dishes down into the soapy water, and Connor was hung up on his hands. 

He turned it off. But not before Price noticed. He put a dish down rather forcefully. 

"That! That's exactly what I mean! You are always staring at me!" He was very close to Connor, so Connor backed up.

"Elder please keep your voice down." Connor whispered. 

"No!" Kevin yelled, and Connor puffed out his chest and tried to Match him. They were roughly the same height but Price had about an inch on him. He was also just bigger compared to Connor, who was slim and lengthy. Connor took a big breath.

"Kevin, please I don't want to fight right now." He almost never used the Elders first names, only when he wanted to get his point across. Kevin's rough gaze faltered for a split second, but he continued to stare him down. They were locked in this sort of staring-contest with each other, and finally Price huffed a short breath through his flared nostrils and stomped away. Connor rolled his eyes and turned back to the dishes.

Price's face was stuck in his mind, like an annoying song you only knew one lyric to. He thought about Prices hands, and how his shirt fit around his torso. 

Connor realized he's been scrubbing the same plate rather roughly for two minutes now. He huffed out a breath and put the plate down, opting to do the rest of the dishes tomorrow.

~

The Elders have been here for a total of five months (excluding Elders Price and Cunningham, who have been here only two) and they wanted to celebrate. Elder Schrader said it shouldn't be anything to extraordinary because they should save that for six months, so they sat in a circle in the common room, throwing ideas around. 

"We could do a bonfire" Elder Church said.

"Dude for real? It's like, a hundred degrees outside." Thomas barked. They pretended to fight and Connor had to split them up. 

"I like the idea of the bonfire, but he's right, it's much to hot for one." Connor said. The Elders looked disheartened. 

"Why not a movie night?" Elder Cunningham suggested. The mission hut had come with a small tv and DVD player for some entertainment, since they weren't allowed phones on their mission trip. The Elders looked at each other. 

"All of those DVDs look really bad." Elder Michaels said. 

"Well I'm sure there's one movie in the pile that we would enjoy." Connor said enthusiastically, pointedly ignoring Price's eye roll. He and a few of the other Elders started to sift through the old movies. Connor noticed as they were sitting that Price was staring at him from across the room. They made eye contact, and Price turned away like he had never been looking at all. Connor continued to stare for a split second, then Elder Michaels stubbed his toe and his attention was taken.

In the end, the only movie that wasn't a faith-based one was The Notebook, so they decided on that much to Elder Zelder's delight.

"No you guys don't understand that's my favorite movie!" He shouted excitedly. 

"Well, lets all get our pillows and blankets and we can camp out here tonight." Connor said with a smile, Zelder ran to his room and Michaels hit him upside the head and yelled at him to calm down before he broke something. Connor was about to start walking when he was stopped by a very concerned looking Elder Davis.

"Uh, is it ok that we're watching that movie? Isn't there like..." he whispered this next part "sex and stuff." Connor chuckled.

"Well Elder I'm sure if there is you can just cover your eyes." He clapped his back "you'll be fine" Elder Davis nodded and scurried off to his room to collect his things.

As Connor went to get his blanket he noticed Elder Price pouting on the the couch. He put his hands on his hips.

"What's wrong now?" He asked. Price looked at him.

"Nothing." He said in a snarky tone. Connor rolled his eyes.

"For once. Just once. Can you please not make this about yourself?" Kevin looked at him. "Seriously what's with you?" Kevin's face went red, and he stood up and left. He walked past Elder Church who was standing at the edge of the hallway, and went into his room.

"Geez what's up with him?" He asked. Connor felt angry, but he shook it off. Tonight was for them. He smiled at Church.

"Teenagers." He said and that earned a laugh.

The movie night went very well. Elder Price came out of his room trailing behind a smiley Cunningham. Connor thinks that the only thing keeping Price here is Elder Cunningham. They have such a specific relationship that Connor doesn't think he'll ever have with someone, and it keeps him up at night.

One key moment of their movie night was the end when Price cried like a baby. 

Connor would never tell anybody, but he thought it was really cute.

~

Hell dreams were the vein of Connors existence.

They were annoying and intruding, and they hurt. They hurt really bad. 

A fun new addition to Connor's dreams was Elder Price. It's not like he wasn't in them before, he was, but always in the background. Now he was a prominent character in his dreams, fighting with him, and flirting with him, only to be coinciding with Lucifer. It was very confusing. Connor would wake up in a cold sweat and sit with his thoughts for hours. 

You didn't have to turn anything off at three in the morning.

So Connor would sit and replay a moment in his dream where Price would touch him, or bite his lip. Connor would think about that, and ignore what would happen later on when things got worse. It almost made his dreams bearable, just to have that one little moment where he didn't think he was going to die.

He would wake up and think about Price, Kevin, in his bed with him. Holding him after a bad dream, or whispering things to him to make him feel better. Then he would remind himself that Kevin Price doesn't give a shit about him, and probably would rather die than cuddle with him in bed. Still though... It's nice to imagine when he would let himself.

Connor thinks the room feels stuffy and he needed some fresh air. He got out of bed and walked through the dark hallway into the common room, and flipped on the light switch. Someone stirred on the couch.

"Oh I'm sorry Elder, my bad." He said, flipping the switch off again. This was common practice. If someone felt strange they would sleep out here, it become almost like a coping mechanism for the Elders of District 9.

"No no it's ok, you can turn on the light." A groggy voice replied. Connor knew exactly who it was. He flipped the switch and examined the boy, who was now sitting up on the couch. 

"Oh... Elder Price, what are you doing out here?" He asked. Price was just in his Temple Garments. Most of the Elders had stopped wearing them under their clothes, and preferred to use them as pajamas because of the heat. Price was no exception. Connor thought he looked scandalous, and then frankly reminded himself to not think that. 

"Arnold wouldn't stop hitting me in his sleep. Sometimes he dreams of like? Star Wars I think, and he was talking all weird and kept reaching over and slapping my face so I just left." Connor laughed, and Price stared at him. "It's a lot less funny when it's happening to you." 

"Oh, lighten up Elder." Connor wasn't really in the mood to argue. He never was really in the mood.

"Easy for you to say." He said rather seriously. Connor furrowed his eyebrows.

"What's that supposed to mean." Connor said. Price stared him down, thinking something in his head. Thinking something Connor would probably never understand.

"Nothing." He said quietly. 

"No, it doesn't mean nothing." Connor crossed to the couch and sat next to Price, pushing his legs off the couch. "You obviously have a problem with me Elder, and I would appreciate it if you just said it to my face." Connor was set in stone about this. 

They stared at each other for a long time before either of them said another word. Connor was caught up momentarily by Price's eyes. He liked how brown they were, and he felt his face get hot. 

"Why are you just so?.." Price started. "Confusing?" He was looking at him strange.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean?.. One minute you're yelling at me, and the next you're looking at me like we're married or something." He was bright red, and Connor was wide-eyed. "And I'm not accusing you of liking me that way but... Geez it's just really confusing me and I never know how to act around you." 

Connor wasn't expecting this answer at all to be quite honest. He felt like he couldn't speak. 

"Well... Uh... Well how about this." Connor felt like it wasn't him speaking, like someone was talking for him through his lips. "How about we agree, right now, that we will always just be honest with each other. And- and that we will try to be nicer to each other as well... Can we do that?" Price watched him.

"Yeah." He said. Connor held out his hand and Price looked at it like it was a foreign object. He took it. They shook hands. 

"Good. I'm glad." Connors hands were shaking slightly. They sat for a while, the air thick with their new agreement. 

"So... So why are you up right now?" Price asked. Connor was startled at his voice. He debated telling Price about his dream.

"Sometimes I come out here to sleep..." he answered honestly. "My dreams are usually better when I'm out here." Kevin didn't look surprised like Connor thought he would be.

"Ya, I get that." He replied. "Do you have bad dreams a lot?" Connor laughed.

"Nightly." He answered. 

They talked about this. Connor's dreams. They talked about his dreams and his sisters and brother. They talked about there lives and families, and he found out Kevin had a pet Turtle when he was younger named Joseph Smith, and that made Connor laugh. They talked about anything and everything. He discovered that Price really likes corn on the cob, and baseball, and that they both have a strange attraction to the Kardashians. They talked for so long that the sun began to rise outside. 

Connor felt funny. He felt like he had known Price for a long time. Like he had known him, but didn't know where he was or how to find him. 

Connor felt like he had finally found him.

~

When Connor was eleven he and his family went to support Ronnie in his first baseball game.

Ronnie was nine and a half and was really good at sports, and this attracted his father. 

Connor was jealous of how Ronnie only had to catch a ball in his glove for his dad to stand up and scream across the baseball field how proud he was of 'his boy'. He never yelled at Connor's dance recitals. In fact, he barely attended his dance recitals. 

Connor sat on the bench. It was cold, and he was wearing pink gloves. His father noticed about halfway through the game.

"Why are you wearing your sister's gloves?" He asked, looking at Connor like he was a stranger. 

"These are my gloves." He responded, tugging them further onto his hands.

"No they're not. When did I buy those?" He asked. His mother hit his chest.

"I got them last week at the store when I took Connor and Caroline to get some nicer clothes for church. He liked them so I bought them." Connor's dad looked at her like she was trying to sell him something he clearly didn't want.

"You bought our son pink lady gloves." She rolled her eyes.

"Oh, come on Steve just because they're pink doesn't mean they're lady gloves. He just likes pink, is that a crime?" She said. Connor felt very grateful for his mother in that moment. 

"Dianne what the hell are people gonna say when they see that?" He cursed. "He already dances," he lowered his voice but Connor could still hear him. "people are gonna call him a fag." His mothers mouth dropped. She looked very angry.

"Steven Abraham McKinley don't you ever use that word around our kids ever again." Her eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her head and Connor felt very small when he asked,

"What does fag mean?" Both his parents whipped their heads to him and his father pointed a threatening finger.

"Do not ever use that word Connor." 

"Well obviously he's gonna use it when he here's his own father call him one." His dad turned to her. Connor noticed his sisters watching the scene intently while his eldest sister, Lindsay, tried very hard to make them not watch. 

"I did not call him that I said other people would."

"But what does it mean?" Connor chimed in again.

"It doesn't matter what it means I never want you repeating it ever again." His mother said sternly. Connor felt like he was in trouble, or like he had just been put in time-out.

"Give me those gloves." His dad said. Connor looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Steve-" his mother tried.

"Give me them Connor."

"But my hands will be cold." He felt like crying.

"You can wear my gloves." Connor didn't want to wear his gloves. 

"But I like these gloves." Connor whined. His dad forcefully took his arms and ripped the gloves off. Connor made a surprised, hurt noise and his mother whisper-yelled,

"Steve please you're making a scene." His dad threw his own gloves onto Connors lap. They were big and black, and felt rough on his skin. He slipped them on his hands and they were much to big, and sweaty inside. His dad shoved his pink gloves into his pocket to be hidden from the world. He felt dirty wearing these big gloves. 

Ronnie hit the ball with his bat.

His dad stood up and yelled.

Connor silently cried.

~

"Hey Elder McKinley!" Elder Zelder and Schrader just walked into the door.

"I was just about to send for you two, dinner will be ready in five minutes." Connor felt extremely like a mother when he said that. 

He realized he is probably the closest thing to a parental figure they have out here, which is a little intimidating. Nine teenage boys all coming to him with their issues seems like a daunting task, but Connor enjoyed it. He assumes that's why he was made district leader. Because he can handle daunting tasks.

Elders Price and Cunningham entered the common room and sat down with some of the others, waiting for dinner. 

Price looked tired.

Connor turned off the stove and drained the noodles. They were having pasta tonight. 

"Boys, dinner." He called. They all filed into the small kitchen, grabbing plates and scooping the noodles onto them. Connor sat at the table. This was his favorite part of the day, sitting around the table listening to them talk, all eating dinner and laughing. They were like a big family. 

"What did you all do today?" Today was Saturday. A free day for the Elders of District 9. Tomorrow they would hold a church service for the village and Monday they would send some boys out to go to neighboring villages and spread the Book of Arnold (which is still a very risky idea in Connor's opinion).

"I got a letter from my mom today." Elder Thomas said. The table was silent. This was the first parental letter besides Cunningham's in months. All eyes were on Thomas.

"Well... What did she say?" Church asked. Connor was intimidated.

"I uh, haven't opened it yet." He said with a nervous blush. Someone threw a noodle at him. It was Elder Neeley.

"Go get the letter and read it to us!" He yelled. Thomas scurried away into his room. He emerged a minute later clutching a white envelope in his shaky hands. "Go on then." Neeley said.

Thomas looked at the letter, then to Connor with very scared eyes. "C-Can you read it?.." he asked. Connor gulped. All eyes were on him. He tried to hide his nervousness and sat up straight. 

"Of course I will read it Elder, hand it over." Thomas jumped up and walked around the table to hand him the letter. Connor was nervous.

He opened it and pulled out a piece of paper with only about a paragraph written on it in neat hand-writing. He held the paper up and began to read aloud.

"To my son, Adrian Scott Thomas." Elder Thomas was sweating. "The mission president has informed us that you have decided to stay in Uganda even after leaving the church. I just hope you are safe. Your dad doesn't want me writing to you, says we aren't ready, but I am sick of waiting. I hope Uganda is treating you well and that you are using that sunscreen you packed. Even though you have decided to leave the church, I hope you have not left God. God will always be with you, whether you are with him or not." Thomas was biting his lip, face very red. "Stay safe, I love you, mama." Connor put the paper down. Everyone's gaze shifted slowly from him to Elder Thomas. Who was staring at Connor, eyes watering. 

Connor stood up and ran around the table to him, leaning down and pulling him into a hug. Elder Thomas cried on him and held him very tight. The other boys started saying things to try and cheer him up.

"It's ok she wasn't even mad at you!"

"I'm sure your dad will come around."

"That coulda been a lot worse." 

Connor knew these things would not help. He knew exactly what to say. He whispered to Elder Thomas so only he could hear, "You don't have to respond to her if you don't want to." Thomas clutched him tighter. "You have to make your peace with this in your own way at your own pace. It sounds like she is ready to talk to you. Whenever you feel like it, I'll help you respond to her, ok?" He said. Thomas nodded his head slowly in Connor's shoulder. He pat his back and they parted. The Elders smiled at Thomas, and he laughed a little, wiping a tear from his eye.

"Sorry for the break down y'all." He said. This sent the boys into peals of laughter, now joking about break downs. Elder Price smiled at Connor, and for a moment Connor wondered what he would look like having a break down. Would he be dramatic and loud, or quiet and reserved. He thinks he would probably have a very handsome break down.

After dinner, the boys decided to stay around the table and talk. They mostly joked about how much they missed their cell-phones, and Elder Davis went off into a twenty minute re-telling of how one time he got his phone taken away for a month because his dad went through his search history and found google searches of what "Areola" meant. 

~

Tonight the village was throwing a party to celebrate the birth of a new child. 

This was probably Connor's favorite tradition Kitguli had. Not only because you got to hold a baby and kiss it's head (besides Matumbo, they wouldn't let him near the children) but because for one night, there was music and dancing and alcohol. Connor had to admit, the alcohol was his favorite part, and it wasn't even illegal because the drinking age in Uganda is eighteen. 

The Elders dressed in their missionary attire, including ties and name-tags even though some have stopped wearing them, and head out to the village. 

There was an excited buzz in the air as they approached the huts. They could already see the lights and hear the music playing and the songs being sung. Elder Schrader was practically buzzing.

As they made their way through the crowd, the village people greeted them with warm smiles and hand shakes. They were directed to a young couple who were sitting in some chairs by the tables. The woman, Connor knew her from Sunday school she wasn't much older than himself, was holding a small infant wrapped in a decorative cloth. The man was smiling at his baby, his arms wrapped around the girl. They looked to the Elders and smiled, showing off their baby like it was the rarest diamond in the world. One by one the Elders kissed the child on the forehead and said "pongezi" to the parents. That meant congratulations. 

As the night went on Connor was debating drinking any alcohol or not. He had before but only a taste, and he felt so riled up about it that it kind of spooked him. He decided that before he drank, he should check in on his men, see if they were doing ok without his supervision. He made his way through the crowds and laughter to find his boys. Most were just talking or dancing, Elder Davis was trying very hard to impress a group of village girls who were just laughing at him. Elder Cunningham was dancing with Sister Hatimbi, and Price was watching them. 

Connor walked over to him. 

"Hey." He said with a smile. Price smiled at him. 

"Hey. How you enjoying the party?" He asked.

"I'm having a good time, debating whether or not I should drink tonight though." Connor said and crossed his arms. Price laughed. 

"I say go for it, we never get to do anything like that. I've had a glass or two already." He said. Price looked very good in dim lighting, Connor thought. Ya, he probably needs a drink. 

"Y'know what? I think I will." He said determinedly. Price laughed and pat his back.

"Go get 'em tiger." Connor laughed and walked away. He thought of Price's hand on his back, then cursed himself for thinking about it. The drink table was full wine, and Connor poured himself a glass. It tasted a little sour but he didn't really care so he downed the whole thing. He poured another glass and watched the party in front of him. Mothers dancing with their children, and young couples showing affection. Connor thought he saw a glimpse of Elder Davis sneaking off with a girl from earlier but he let it go. 

Before he realized it, he had drank five glasses of wine. He felt funny, but very happy. He walked around the party, laughing and yelling with the villagers. He joined a group of people with Elder Church. 

"Oh, hey Elder McKinley! We were just talking about you!" He said. That was really funny, so Connor laughed and draped himself over Church's shoulder. "Woah, steady." He said, clutching Connor around the waist. 

"He cannot hold his liquor." A young man said. Connor thought he was very attractive, with his dark skin, and muscular build. He blushed as they laughed at him, and Connor laughed too because everything was just so funny. Connor stood up straight, and hit Elder Church rather roughly on the shoulder.

"I'm gonna go walk around."

"Please be careful." He warned.

"I'll be fiiine." He said with a big smile. Connor continued to walk around the party, laughing at guests who had fallen over from alcohol and he thought how embarrassing that would be. He spotted Kevin across the way, standing with Elder Cunningham and Sister Hatimbi. Kevin was staring at him, so he walked over. "Hello." He said. 

"Hey!" Cunningham said.

"Are you ok?" Kevin asked. Kevin was very handsome. He was tall and tan, and slim in the right places. Connor wanted very much to touch him, so he wrapped his arms around Kevin's waist. 

"I'm great." He said. Kevin laughed and so did their small group. 

"He's super drunk." Cunningham said, but Connor wasn't really paying attention because now Kevin was slightly scratching his head, and it felt so good he was getting shivers. 

"Maybe we should walk him home." Sister Hatimbi said with a giggle. Connor held Kevin tighter, and rested his head in the crook of Kevin's neck.

"I think he's fine, we'll take him home when we all go." Kevin said. Connor could feel his voice through his neck and he blushed very hard. Kevin was now holding him and continued with the previous conversation he was having with Cunningham and Hatimbi. Connor felt warm. He was happy. He started to sway to the music he heard being played in the background. Kevin laughed. "Ok, yeah maybe we should walk him home." He said. Connor clutched Kevin tighter. He was tired. "I'm gonna walk him back, the party is starting to clean up anyway." 

Kevin's tugged on him to start moving, and they walked to the mission hut. They probably looked very funny with Connor still clinging to Kevin like a life line. Kevin was so warm, and tall and handsome and Connor wondered what it would be like to kiss him, or hold him, then he realized he was holding him, and he laughed.

"What're you laughing at?" Kevin asked with an amused smile. Connor laughed more. Like a middle school girl. 

"Nothing." He was sent into a fit of giggles and Kevin laughed at him.

"You sure are a fun drunk." He said. Connor wanted to dance. He stood up straight and stopped Kevin from walking further. "What are you doing?" Kevin asked. Connor grabbed one of Kevin's hands and held it, making Kevin's other hand grab his hip. He held Kevin's shoulder. "Connor I can't dance." He said with an amused smile. 

"Anyone can dance." He said back, and started to sway. Kevin went along with it, swaying with him. It was dark out but the moon lit up the path, and Connor was looking in Kevin's eyes as they danced to nothing but the music in their heads. Kevin was watching him, and their eyes locked. Connor wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him very much. Kevin was watching his whole face and Connor felt like he could see through him. Connor still wanted to kiss him. He wrapped both of his arms around his neck, and Kevin in turn wrapped his around Connor's waist. They swayed together, and Kevin was very close. The only time someone had been this close was when Connor would dance with girls at his dance academy. But this felt different. Connor watched Kevin's lips, and his breath sped up a little. Everything felt like it was going in slow motion. He leaned in, so close, almost, but right before their lips touched Kevin pulled away. He detached himself from Connor and cleared his throat. It was silent.

"Uh... Wow, you are really drunk. Um, let's get you to bed." Connor was confused. Kevin started walking away without him. And Connor followed. Kevin looked like he was catching his breath while he walked along the path. He stopped. Connor stopped. They looked at each other, and Connor was tired. Kevin sighed and supported Connor and walked him back to the hut. 

When they arrived Connor felt like he wouldn't make it to his room. His legs felt heavy, and he was slipping from Kevin's grasp. 

"Woah woah woah!" Kevin said, grabbing him again, and pulling him up. "Uh... Here." He sat on the couch with Connor, and Connor wrapped his arms around Kevin's waist, shifting them so they were semi-laying down, and then he fell asleep.

When he woke up it was very bright and his head hurt a lot. He groaned.

"Good morning sleeping beauty." He heard a voice. Elder Price was smirking at him. Connor was holding him. He was holding Connor. They were laying together. Connor sprung up. 

"Oh my goodness Elder what are you doing?" He asked. Price put his hands up in defense, still smiling.

"You were the one that was getting handsy with me, you should be asking yourself that question." 

"What?" Connor looked confusedly at Kevin. Then quick flashes of last night popped into his head. Dancing, and hugging and Connor tried to- oh God. His head hurt, and his face went so red and hot it felt like he was burning. He covered his face. "Oh my Gosh Elder Price I am so sorry." He said. Price laughed nervously.

"It's ok, you were really drunk." Connor wanted to die very badly at the present moment. He knew he shouldn't have drank. 

"No that's not ok, I'm so sorry that will never happen again." Price was blushing, and Connor knew exactly what he was thinking about.

"... Ok." He said. Connor for a second thought he sounded a little disappointed. 

"Mornin' guys, what's for breakfast." Elder Cunningham entered the room. He and Price began to joke around, and they went into the kitchen together. Connor groaned and went to his room, wanting to ignore every feeling he was having right now.

~

Connor couldn't exactly pinpoint the moment he and Kevin began using each others first names. But it was probably around two weeks ago, when the elders realized they had been here for seven months. Everyone was happy and Kevin used his name and it was strange, and they didn't always call each other by their first names, but slowly they did. 

It felt exhilarating. Like a little secret shared between them. They would say "Hey Connor." Or "Hi Kevin." And think nothing of it. It was great. 

Today was Monday, on Mondays they sent two Elders on a small mission trip to a neighboring village for three days to preach the Book of Arnold. Connor had written everyone's names on some paper (excluding Elders Schrader and Neeley, because they were sent out last week) and threw them in a bowl. Everyone was sat in the common room when Connor walked out. 

Two of the boys were locked in a deep staring contest as the others tried to heckle them and make them blink. 

Connor loudly cleared his throat, and the attention was on him. He held the bowl out and everyone groaned.

"Why do we even do this! They don't listen to us!" Elder Zelder exclaimed. 

"Well that's what you get when you make up a new religion. Blame your prophet, not me." Connor said snidely. Kevin chuckled as the others pouted. "Ok let's see." He shook the bowl around, mixing the names. He stuck his hand in and pulled out the first name. "Elder McKinley." He said and sighed. Some of the others laughed. He reached in his hand and pulled out the second name. "Elder Price?" He said like it was a surprise. Kevin also looked surprised, and Arnold hit his shoulder with a wink. Kevin went red and hit him back. Connor swallowed the lump in his throat. "Uh... Well. Pack your things Elder, and let's head out. Now boys while I'm gone Elder Church is in charge ok? Listen to him and please don't break anything." 

"Yes mom." Elder Neeley said. Connor dumped the names onto him. The boys laughed and Connor ran to his room before Neeley could get his revenge. 

He closed the door behind him and stood there for a second, collecting his thoughts. He was going to be alone with Kevin for three days. A lot can happen in three days, he thought, but then shut that thought down. 

Connor, no matter how much he wanted to deny it, was strangely attracted to Kevin Price. He told himself it was just because he was a very handsome young man that just so happened to be his age, but he was also sweet and kind and funny. But he could also be mean and snide. Connor shook his head and sighed. He decided to not think about that right now. He gathered his things, stuffing them into his suitcase and went into the common room, where Kevin was waiting for him. He seemed to be having a very in-depth conversation with Arnold until he noticed Connor and then promptly shut his mouth.

"Ready to go?" He said. The bus always leaves at eleven o'clock and it was a ten minute walk to the bus stop. Connor clutched his bag handle and nod his head. They said goodbye to the others, and head out the door, walking silently to the bus stop.

It was very hot today, and Connor noticed Kevin was sweating. He wiped his brow. Kevin looked over to him and Connor realized he was staring.

"Did you bring the tent?" Kevin asked. 

"Actually there is a small motel kinda thing in the village we are going to, because it's near the city so..." it was silent again.

"Will there be air conditioning?" Kevin asked. Connor laughed.

"Probably. Usually if places are near the city they're a little nicer." Kevin closed his eyes and smiled.

"Yessss" he whispered. Connor chuckled at how cute he thought that was. 'Stop' he thought to himself. "How far away is this place?"

"About a five hour bus ride." Connor said. Kevin whispered a 'geez' and Connor continued. "I figure we'll get there tonight and check into the motel, tomorrow we spend all day proselytizing, and then ride home Wednesday." 

"Sounds like a plan." 

They sat on the dirty bench by the bus stop and waited. Kevin was talking about how back home he never rode the bus. Connor talked about how all he did was ride the bus. Kevin laughed. Connor loved Kevin's laugh, it was deep but when you really got him going it was high pitched and chortley. They sat in humble silence until the rickety bus pulled up in front of them. 

Connor paid the fee and he and Kevin took a row in the back. Surprisingly there were not a lot of people on the bus today. As it started to roll away Connor watched the outside move past him. He was reminded of back home when he went to the zoo with his family and they did the fake safari guides. Well, now he was in the real safari and it was a little bit boring. 

The bus ride was incredibly long, and he and Kevin were trying to pass the time. They sat and tried to remember lyrics to songs they knew as children, or hand-games they used to play. About two hours in, it started to rain. But not just rain, it poured. It poured so hard Connor thought the road would flood. 

"Great, it doesn't rain in months and now that we need to go somewhere it decides to drown us." Connor said.

"It's ok, at least it'll cool off in here." Kevin said. He was right, the bus did have AC but it barely worked, and with the rain outside it cooled down significantly. 

Three hours in, Kevin fell asleep. His head fell onto Connor's shoulder and Connor didn't have the will to wake him up. He decided to be a little selfish today and indulge himself in a sleeping Kevin. He snores a little when he sleeps, not loudly though. Connor shifted so he was back slightly to the window, and Kevin fit more comfortably on him. Connor herd the rain outside, and Kevin kept him warm, and he was heavy and it made Connor sleepy.

"Wake up this is your stop." Connor and Kevin were jolted awake by the bus driver, and shooed off the bus. It was still pouring. They scurried to the nearest shelter, a small straw café owned by a little fat woman. 

"Excuse me ma'am?" Kevin said tapping her shoulder. "Where is the motel?" She pointed out the door.

"Twenty minoot wok dat weh." She said in very broken English. Connor gave Kevin an exasperated look. 

"I don't think this rain is going to let up anytime soon." Kevin said. Connor groaned. "Let's head out, thanks ma'am." He said to her, and she continued sweeping.

They trudged twenty minutes in the pouring rain holding their luggage to their chests to the motel. It was small and had only ten rooms. Luckily there were two open. Kevin negotiated prices for tonight and tomorrow night and Connor got out the money from his (luckily) dry suitcase. They were led outside and down a hall to their room. It was small, and had one bed a small tv, a bathroom with a shower, and a closet. Connor kicked off his shoes and peeled off his socks as Kevin did the same. 

"We can hang up our wet clothes on the shower rack, and just put on our Temple garments." Connor said with a sigh. It was only five o'clock but the dark clouds made it feel much later. The boys were chilled to the bone by the rain and they changed quickly. 

Kevin climbed in the bed and held up the blanket for Connor to climb in. Connor was a little apprehensive. Kevin scoffed.

"Connor your ok you can get in bed with me, you're gonna get pneumonia or something if you don't warm up." Connor hesitated for a second more before letting it go and climbing into bed with him. Kevin pulled him close and wrapped his arms around Connor.

"What are you doing?" He asked a little shaken.

"I'm warming us up. I'm freezing." Kevin said. Connor had to admit, he hadn't realized how cold he was until he had gotten in the warm bed. "This rain is really outta nowhere." Kevin said. Connor didn't really hear him because he was focused on Kevin spooning him. "Come here." Kevin said, flipping Connor around so they were facing each other. He brought him closer and held him tight, intertwining their legs.

"Uh..."

"It's ok." Kevin said. "Let's just sleep right now. We can worry about it in the morning." Connor was cold, but now he was getting warm. He felt Kevin's heartbeat, it was fast. Was he nervous? Connor held him a little tighter. Man this was so strange. 

"Good night." He whispered.

"Good night." Kevin replied. It was only five o'clock, but it felt so much later than that. Connor felt his eyelids droop and he was fast asleep.

It was dark and hot. Connor was alone in the middle of nothing. Kevin was there, somewhere. He couldn't see him but he knew he was there.

"Connor." He heard. He turned around. Kevin was there. Connor felt so happy, he ran to him and hugged him. "Come here I want to show you something." Kevin lead him away, but there was nothing for miles. They were walking no where. They hadn't even left the first place they were.

"Kevin?" He asked. Kevin continued walking. "Kevin?" He asked again. No reply. "Kevin!" He pulled on Kevin's arm and he shot around so fast Connor screamed. Kevin lunged at him and held him to the ground. "Oh my gosh oh my gosh" Connor was muttering as the ground swallowed him up and spit him out underneath into fire and demons and Lucifer. His tears felt like lava in his eyes and his skin was hot and prickly. 

"Hey hey are you ok?" Lucifer said, Connor tried to hit him away. "Ow! Connor? Oh, man you're having a dream." Connor was crying and swatting. His hands were held together and he screamed. "Connor, Connor wake up."

His eyes flew open and it was dark. He took in shuddering breaths and felt the bed around him, and Kevin who looked a little taken aback. He stared at him. Connor sighed a long dragged out sigh, and rubbed his eyes. 

"I'm so sorry you had to see that." He said quietly, sitting up in the bed. Kevin sat up too, and switched on the small lamp beside the table, giving the room a yellowish tint. "What time is it?" 

"4:37" Kevin said. He looked concerned. "That was pretty intense Connor, do you wanna talk about it?" 

"Definitely not." He said. Kevin didn't really know what to do. Connor looked at him. His hair was mussed and he had bags under his eyes. Thunder. It was still raining. 

"Do you wanna go back to sleep?" Kevin asked. Connor shook his head. Kevin sighed. He turned off the lamp and repositioned himself back in the bed, laying down. He fell asleep in five minutes. Connor watched him breathe.

Connor decided to be a little bold in the moment, because no one was watching, and the only other person here was asleep. He reached out his hand and stroked Kevin's hair. Kevin opened an eye. Connor pulled his hand away

"Sorry." He muttered.

"No it felt good." Kevin said, and moved over to put his head in Connor's lap. Connor froze for a moment. This was all very forward, but then again, Kevin Price was a very forward kinda guy. He scratched at Kevin's scalp, and he moved his head to meet his palm, like a cat. His hair was very soft and still a little wet from the rain, and Connor thinks he would like to freeze this moment and live in it forever. He traced his hand around Kevin's ear and down his jaw. 

It was quiet and Connor listened to the rain and thunder.

~

Connors dad was a big, patriarchal man. He loved baseball and church and his wife. He loved his kids, even if he didn't understand them- well, one in particular. He would die for his family, and for his religion. 

He was strict and believed very firmly in spanking kids to make them behave. He had no time for things he didn't understand, or didn't want to understand. His favorite child was Ronnie, his second son, and sometimes he would call Ronnie his only son, and that hurt Connor's feelings. 

Connor loved his dad, but he didn't really like him. He was rude to Connor and never took his side, even if Connor was very much in the right. When Connor was sixteen he got his first cellphone, and every Friday night he had to give it to his dad so he could check his messages and search history. Connor wasn't allowed to delete anything from his phone, or else he would be grounded. He always felt like his dad knew something that he didn't, and it scared him.

Connor met a boy at school and they were made partners for an English assignment, they had to create a book cover and write a short synopsis of the book they were assigned. They had exchanged numbers so they could work outside of school. 

Connor's dad found the messages.

It was nothing really, just some mindless flirting here and there through various 'lol's' and a few heart emojis. He didn't even really mean to do it, it just kinda happened. Connor's dad was not happy.

"Dad wants you." Bethany said to him while Connor was working on some homework in his room. He felt a pit form in his stomach and his hands started to shake a little bit. He didn't even know what he had done but he knew it must've been something bad. Ronnie, who was on his bed in their shard room gave a low whistle. Connor stood and walked down the stairs. His father was sitting at the kitchen table with his mother. 

"Sit down." His dad said. Connor felt like throwing up. He sat down. "What is this?" Connors dad started to scroll through his messages. "Who is this boy?" 

"That's my friend Tyler from English." Connor said quietly, fiddling his thumbs under the table. 

"Why is Tyler talking about seeing you outside of school?" His dad asked. Connor's stomach fell even further.

"He, um, he wanted to see a movie with me but I told him I couldn't." Connor said.

"Well that's not what it says here. Here it says you would ask your dad." He said. Connor was staring at his thumbs. "Connor I know what flirting looks like, I'm a married man. These aren't friendly massages." Connor felt very hot. "Connor look up right now or so help me God." Connor looked up at his dad. He was reading through his messages.

"I didn't mean to-"

"Don't talk unless I ask you something." 

"Steve please." His mother said. She looked tired. Connor wanted her to hold him. 

"Read this. Out loud." Connors dad handed him the phone.

Connor began to read his messages in an almost silent voice. ".... 'Hey so I know we have class together, but I just wanted to say you are really cute and we should go see a movie sometime.'" Connor remembered feeling giddy when he received that message, now it feels like it's burning his ears. 

"Connor, tell me right now. Are you attracted to this boy." His dad said taking the phone back. Connor started hyperventilating. 

"Uh... No." 

"The truth."

"No I'm not." He said. Connor's dad left the phone on the table and exited the room. Connor looked to his mother who sat staring at the floor, refusing to look at him. His dad entered the room again with a belt in his hand. Connor started crying. "No dad, please no." 

"Stop. Stand up." Connor shook his head and his dad grabbed his arm and jerked him up. Connor was sobbing. "Turn around." Connor slowly turned around and he braced himself. He felt sharp whips of pain on his rear end and he screamed out. His mother was crying. He was hit seven times by the belt before his dad stopped. "Get out of here, go to your room. You're grounded. You aren't getting that phone back." Connor shuffled out of the room and ran up the stairs, locking himself in the bathroom. 

He examined himself in the mirror. Red whip marks that stung to the touch. He pulled up his pants and sunk to the floor. He cried. His sister, Bethany, knocked on the door. 

"Connor?" She asked. "Can I come in?" Connor opened the door and she came into the bathroom, closing the door behind her and sitting on the floor next to him. She hugged him and he broke down.

Connor didn't like his father.

~

Connor woke up to the sound of the small tv playing the news in their room. Kampala, the Capital of Uganda was an hour away so they were getting news for the city. Kevin was sitting on the edge of the bed. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. It was still raining outside.

"I don't think we'll be able to preach at all. It's supposed to rain all day and tomorrow." Kevin said without looking back.

"Great." Connor said. "Should we just go home then?" Kevin turned around.

"Well I mean... We already paid for the room tonight so we might as well stay." Connor raised an eyebrow. 

"Really? You wanna stay?" 

"Well I doubt buses will be up today it's crazy out there." Kevin said. Connor took in a deep breath. 

"Ok... Ok we'll stay tonight, and the first bus we can get tomorrow we'll take." Connor said. Kevin nodded, agreeing with him. He was smiling. "What're you so happy about."

"I don't know. This is kinda exciting y'know?" He said, turning around so he was facing Connor.

"What're we gonna do all day though? It's not like we can go anywhere." 

"Well, there's a little restaurant thing connected to the motel, we could eat there, and just take the day off." Kevin said. Connor liked the sound of that.

They got properly dressed and faced the storm outside and ran to the front office that connected to the small restaurant. They were sat at a table near the kitchen, which smelled bad. If there was one thing Connor had to say he truly didn't like about Uganda, it was the food. He didn't understand it. He missed his moms cooking, and would honestly kill for a grilled cheese sandwich. They ordered the least scary sounding thing on the menu and made small talk while their food was being prepared. 

Breakfast, overall, was nice and Connor was satisfied. He and Kevin braced the storm once more to run back to their room through the outside hallway. When Kevin tried to unlock the door, he dropped the key and it took him a minute to pick it back up and get the door open. They were soaked, again. 

As they walked into the room, Kevin was laughing his high-pitched laugh and Connor smiled. He threw off his shirt, and took off his pants and Connor choked at the sight of him in his boxers.

"What are you doing?!" He yelled covering his eyes.

"Oh calm down we have the same body parts." Kevin threw a pillow at him and Connor stumbled. "I'm going to take advantage of the shower." Kevin walked toward the bathroom. "Feel free to join me!" He yelled. Connor stared in his direction, face red.

"In your dreams, Price." He said and heard Kevin laugh obnoxiously. Connor had seen Kevin without clothes on. He felt like he had just found hidden treasure and he wasn't aloud to tell anyone. Kevin had a nice body. Connor shut his brain off. 

He changed into his temple garments, since they were staying in today, and sat on the bed, turning on the tv. He tried to pay attention but his mind was filled with tan skin and big arms. He groaned and hit himself in the face. This was so annoying. A few minutes later Kevin emerged from the shower, a towel hung loosely around his waist, and Connor made a point to not stare. 

"Don't look over I'm about to be naked." Kevin said. Connor choked and hid under the covers. He was very red as he laid there, listening to Kevin hum a little tune as he dressed. Kevin had a nice voice. Connor messed with the blanket as he waited for approval to come out. Suddenly, the blanket was being lifted up and Kevin, clad in his Temple garments, climbed in. They laid their staring at each other.

"Hi." Connor said.

"Hey." Kevin replied. Connor felt a little Brave in that moment and he reached out to brush some of Kevin's hair out of his eyes. Kevin caught his hand in his own. Connor blushed. Kevin held his hand and they were silent for a long time. 

The rest of the day was filled with nothing. They stayed in their small room and talked, Connor took a shower, and they mostly just laid in bed. It had almost become a game of how close they could get to each other without doing anything non-friendly. They ate at the restaurant when it was time to eat, and after dinner they felt tired, even though they had done nothing all day. 

They listened to the continuous rain and thunder from outside. Connor and Kevin climbed into bed, and Kevin switched off the light. The light from the TV made the room look blue as it flickered through its program, and Connor found himself face to face with the other boy. 

Kevin cupped Connor's cheek with his hand and Connor felt a very strong urge to hold him. He pushed it down. 

"What are you thinking?" Kevin whispered. Connor thought for a moment.

"I'm not sure." He said. Kevin was playing with a strand of Connors hair. 

"Can I tell you what I'm thinking about." Kevin said. Connor was apprehensive to say yes, but he nodded anyway. "I'm thinking about how you remind me of my mom." He said.

"That's weird." Connor replied.

"Ya, a little bit." Kevin was still playing with his hair. "You guys are both naggy and annoying, but really sweet and funny." Connor ignored the first part. 

"Thanks." He said.

"The only difference is I don't nearly like my mom as much as I like you." Within Kevin Price's admittance of having mommy issues, he also admitted to liking Connor. Connor tried not to dwell on that fact as much. 

"... Why?" That's the best response he could think of.

"You are a better person than she is." He said. "A really great person." Kevin was now tracing Connor's ear and he was trying very hard to stay focused. 

"You too." Connor felt like they were both tip-toeing around a bigger issue, or like they were trying to put a rug over the elephant in the room, and hide it from outsiders. Connor, feeling brave, reached for Kevin's other hand and held it.

"I really like you Connor." He said.

"I like you too." It was silent.

"No, I mea-" Connor cut him off.

"I know what you mean." He said. "Let's just sleep. We can worry about it in the morning." Kevin looked a little disappointed and Connor felt bad. 

"... Can I hold you?" He asked. Connor stared at him. This was a big step. 

"Yeah." He whispered. He flipped around so he was back-facing Kevin, and Kevin held him. It was warm and nice. Connor felt his stomach rise as they laid there, and he thought he heard Kevin whisper something to him.

He ignored what he was feeling and slept. He didn't have a bad dream that night. In fact, his dream was rather pleasant.

~

The bus ride home was long. It was long and bumpy and unpleasant, but it also held the prospect of something happening between the two boys. Every now and then Kevin would try to hold Connor's hand or rub his thigh and Connor would smack him away. He was very touchy, and no matter how much Connor tried to pretend he hated it, he really really liked it. 

It was still raining. This had been the longest thunderstorm of Connors entire life, but he thinks the villagers must be ecstatic. He realized how blessed they are to have the mission hut. Since it was built by Americans for use of the church, it had running water and electricity, unlike most of the huts the villagers lived in. Connor smiled as he remembered the villagers, he really did love them. 

Kevin rest his head on Connor's shoulder. They still had three hours to go on their bus ride home. Connor thought it was probably best to get some shut-eye, so he closed his eyes and listened to the rain and the rickety bus.

When they arrived back in Kitguli the rain did not let up and they had to slosh home with their luggage in hand. 

"I'm sick of getting wet." Kevin mumbled. They approached the hut, and ran to it, clambering inside and shutting the door. Some of the elders were sitting in the common room, and jumped up when they arrived. 

"Hey, you're home! How was the village!" Elder Church exclaimed. 

"Wouldn't know, it was storming the whole time and we stayed in our motel room." Kevin said. Church seemed upset about this.

"What! That's not fair! You guys basically got a vacation!" He said and Connor laughed, pouring water out of his shoes. Elder Cunningham bounded into the room, knocking over Elder Neeley and Pushing Connor into the wall to get to Kevin, who embraced him with open arms. They hugged and laughed and Connor's pretty sure Cunningham was crying. 

"I missed you so much, never leave me again!" He exclaimed. Kevin laughed.

"I'll try not to." He said. Elder Cunningham pulled Kevin away, but he turned back to Connor with an exasperated look. Connor laughed and waved them off. Elder Church grabbed Connor's arm and he and Elders Neeley and Davis pulled him into his room. They sat Connor on the bed. He felt like he was about to be interrogated.

"Did anything happen with you two?" Elder Church asked, Connor felt his face get hot. 

"What?" A crack of thunder outside. Connor stared at the boys. 

"Oh c'mon Connor, we know you like him!" Elder Davis said. "And we're pretty sure he likes you too. We were talking to Elder Cunningham-"

"Wait wait, does everybody know?" Connor asked.

"I mean, it's kinda obvious." Neeley said. 

"What he means is." Church butt in. "We don't care if you like him or not. We're all here for you, and in Arnold's book it says to love and accept everybody so that's what we're trying to do..." he paused. "So did anything happen?" Connor thought of Kevin trying to confess his feelings.

"No nothing happened. And I would very much appreciate it if you all stopped meddling in my personal life. Besides I don't even like men-"

"Oh c'mon Connor." 

"You don't have to hide it anymore!"

"We're your family." Church put a hand on Connor's shoulder. "You can be yourself around us." Connor stared at them. He wanted to say thank you, and hug them and agree but he just... Couldn't. 

"Well that would all be very nice if I had anything to hide." Elder Neeley groaned loudly.

"We're trying to connect with you man!" He exclaimed. 

"I don't need to be connected with, I'm fine!" He said. Church hugged him. Then Neeley and Davis. Connor was trapped. 

He let them hug him, and he sat there. When he didn't respond the way they wanted they tackled him on the bed and hugged him tighter. Connor laughed.

"Get off me!" He was still laughing, trying (and failing) to push them off. They hugged him tighter, yelling exclamations of love and adoration. Connor felt like they had chipped at his dam. The dam he had spent years building up with words and bible versus and light switches. They had just poked a hole and now everything he had been trying to push back is slowly dripping out of him.

~

Connor has never had his first kiss. 

He was twenty years old and never once had he touched lips with someone else. It was a little ridiculous.

But he didn't really think it was that big a deal, lots of people haven't had their first kiss, and he thinks he would have one eventually. He hopes it would be with a girl. A nice girl who goes to church and would make his dad smile. He prays that it's with a girl.

Connor thought about his ideal woman. He would like brown hair and brown eyes, she would have to be tan so their children don't get cursed with his fair skin. She would have to... And she would... But most importantly she...

He didn't know.

No matter how hard he tried he just couldn't picture her. He was envious of his friends that talked about women that they were attracted to, while his thoughts were swimming with large hands and stubble as opposed to smooth skin and long hair. He felt angry at himself, and a little bit at Heavenly Father, then he reminded himself you shouldn't be angry at Heavenly Father so he stopped. 

He wondered what his dad would do if he could read his mind. Sometimes Connor thinks his dad can read his mind, and he's sitting back home on his chair in Virginia listening in on his thoughts and planning a punishment. Connor felt stressed. He felt like something was happening somewhere else and he isn't there to participate and he's going to have to catch up. Something is missing but he just... Doesn't know what...

He decided now wasn't a good time to dwell on it. 

He took a seat under a nearby tree and watched as the Elders played soccer with some of the village teens. Kevin currently had the ball and was swerving around Elder Michaels and a young boy called Dembe. They chased him and then Kevin tripped and fell. Connor laughed so loudly Kevin whipped his head around to him and flipped him off. He got off the ground and wiped off his pants as the others stole the ball and ran off toward the make-shift goal. Kevin waved off the game and started walking over to Connor, who was still laughing. Kevin shook his head disapprovingly at him and crossed his arms.

"Oh Mr. McKinley please tell me why you aren't playing with us?" He asked in a mock British accent. Connor shrugged, faking innocence.

"I don't want to hurt myself." He smiled up to Kevin and fluttered his lashes. Kevin stared at him, trying very hard not to smile.

"If you weren't so cute I would call you a fake." Kevin teased. He had a habit of hopelessly flirting with Connor and Connor never really knew how to respond, so he flirted back.

"Well, if playing sports didn't make you look so ruggedly handsome I would tell you to be more careful so you don't fall flat on your face." Kevin laughed. 

"Ya I guess that's true." He said and took a seat next to Connor, brushing up against his shoulder. They sat in comfortable silence and watched as the boys play. Currently Elder Church was being tackled to the ground by Elder Neeley and now there was a dog pile.

"Should I stop that?" Connor asked, getting ready to stand. Kevin put his hand on Connor's chest and stopped him.

"Let them be, they're fine." He said. He lowered his hand to Connors thigh and kept it there. Both boys were very aware of Kevin's hand. It was almost like if Kevin were to move it now, it would be strange, but it was getting stranger keeping it there for so long. Kevin rubbed his hand on Connor's thigh slightly, and Connor's breath hitched. He ran his hand down to his knee and traced a small circle around his knee cap, then brought it back up his thigh.

"Kevin." Connor half-warned, pointedly not looking him in the eyes. Kevin drew little circles on his thigh.

"What?" He asked, like nothing was happening. Connor didn't know what to do.

"I can't." He whispered, pulling his thigh away from Kevin. It was quiet, and Arnold made a goal. 

"I know." Kevin said, and he stood up and walked away, rejoining the game. 

Connor could still feel his hand on his thigh and it burned. He thought about his dad and how he must've been so angry right now and how he probably knows about everything that Connor has done with Kevin. He thinks Heavenly Father must ask what's wrong with him, or that his mother couldn't stand up for him anymore because she knows what he is. Connor closed his eyes and tried to imagine a girl rubbing his thigh, but she morphed back into Kevin.

Connor was slightly panicking. He stood up and walked back toward the hut. He couldn't let the others see him like this. He couldn't let his dad or mom or Heavenly Father see him like this because this wasn't who he was.

~

It was a long time before anyone came home, and Connor needed to keep himself busy, so he cooked dinner. By the time the boys started filing through the door, covered head to toe in dirt, Connor had their entire meal prepared and plated. 

"Come eat, and then wash up." He said to them. Kevin didn't sit next to him, but he stared at him the entire time. Connor ignored him. He ate his dinner and pretended like he was fine, and that he wasn't in the middle of some weird crisis. He reminded himself of back home when he would do this at family dinner, and he and his dad pretended to be best friends when his sisters were watching. His food tasted weird but he ate it anyway. 

"Elder McKinley why did you leave so soon?" Elder Neeley asked. Church looked a little concerned but continued eating. Connor let out a small laugh.

"I guess I just haven't been feeling well, Elder." He said.

"I'll say." Kevin said under his breath. A few of them looked to Kevin confused, but most just ignored him, thinking he was in one of his moods. Connor took in a breath, and sighed. 

"Yes, I just wanted to rest before you all got home." He lied. Connor had been doing everything but resting, trying to keep himself busy. 

"Well we all hope you feel better!" Elder Schrader exclaimed. Kevin stood up and left the room. Connor jumped at the sound of his door slamming. 

"Sheesh" Elder Church whispered.

"What's going on with him?" Elder Michaels asked Elder Cunningham. He laughed obnoxiously and waved his hand, nervously trying to come up with an excuse for his best friend. 

"Oh hey probably's just tired or something?" Cunningham said. The others didn't really buy it, but they let it go, not really wanting to talk about it.

They finished dinner and put their plates in the sink. Connor was washing them when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to Elder Cunningham.

"I just wanted to apologize for Kevin." He said with a blush.

"You shouldn't have to do that Elder. Kevin's a big boy, he knows what he does and he can apologize if he wishes." Connor said back.

"Did um... Something, happen? Between you two?" He asked obviously apprehensive. Connor sighed.

"Not really." He said, which was true, nothing did happen, but it felt like something had. Cunningham nodded, then waved and left the kitchen. Connor felt himself patching up the hole that was broken in his dam, and keeping everything he was feeling inside. But he also felt like his dam was about to break and everything was gonna spill out of him. He continued washing the dishes. 

It was currently 10 o'clock at night and Connor still couldn't clear his head. He was sitting outside behind the mission hut, watching the stars and thinking about Kevin. He heard footsteps. Speak of the devil.

"What's the matter with you." He said. Connor looked up to him. 

"Are you kidding? What's the matter with me?" He stood up. "I'm not the one who storms off every time he doesn't get what he wants." They were about to fight, Connor could feel it. 

"What?!" Kevin yelled defensively. "I don't 'storm off' when I don't get something I want."

"Yes you do, you've done it twice today." He said. Kevin opened his mouth but Connor cut him off. "And honestly? I'm getting tired of it. Be an adult for once."

"Says the guy who completely ignores everything he's feeling and acts like nothing is wrong." Kevin took a step toward him, and Connor stood up straighter, holding his ground. 

"That's because I know I can handle myself. I don't need people to worry about me because I don't need to be the center of attention all the time." Kevin shoved him and Connor fell to the ground. 

"FUCK YOU!" Kevin screamed. Connor's back hurt and he rolled onto his side, sitting up slightly. Kevin was watching him quietly. Connor looked up to him.

"Go away." He said quietly. He wanted to sound strong but his voice broke. Kevin's whole face changed like he had just realized what happened. 

"Connor I didn't mean-" he stepped forward and Connor scooted back, holding up a hand in defense. "I'm so sorry." Kevin whispered. 

"What was your point in coming out here?" Connor asked. He got up slowly. "To yell at me and push me down because you know I won't fight back? Because I've practically been trained my whole life to never fight back?" He felt a tear stinging his eye, and Kevin looked broken. "Were you just trying to prove a point? That you're stronger than me? More stable than me? Huh? What! What were you gonna do that was so important you had to come out here!?" Connor was screaming and he rushed forward and tried to push Kevin. Kevin stumbled back but held his ground. Connors dam was breaking down and he couldn't build it back up. "You don't THINK I don't know how HORRIBLE I am! You don't think I'm reminded EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE HOW HORRIBLE I AM!" He was sobbing and punching Kevin, who was looking at him with confusion and concern. "ANSWER ME!" Connor screamed and then broke down completely, grabbing Kevin and gripping him so tight he could break him. 

Kevin held him back, petting his hair. Connor's dam was broken. He thought of his dad and how much he hated him but loved him also. He thought of Heavenly Father. He was so mad at him. He was so angry and tired at all of them. He was shaking and Kevin was holding him so tight and he thinks he loves Kevin.

"I'm sorry I'm so sorry I didn't mean to yell at you I'm sorry." Connor rambled. Kevin took his cheeks in both hands wiped his tears with his thumbs.

"Don't apologize." He said sternly. Connor took in a shuddering breath. 

"Ok..." he whispered. Kevin looked at him. 

He kissed him. 

Kevin kissed him hard and fast and Connor was overwhelmed and this was so wrong and he pushed Kevin off. Connor cried again and Kevin wiped his mouth. 

"Kevin I-I can't." He said. Kevin grabbed his arms and turned him so they were looking at each other.

"Why not?" He asked. He looked so confused and Connor took everything in for a moment. He put his hand on Kevin's cheek, and he leaned in to the touch. 

"I just... Can't." Connor said sadly, some of his tears subsiding. "My whole life I've... I haven't been allowed too... And, and now I'm here, and no one is telling me no but... me... and I just... I'm sorry." He said. Kevin looked sad. 

"Try." He said. "Just try. I know it's hard but... it's not the end of the world?" Kevin leaned in. "Just try." He whispered. Connor felt intoxicated with Kevin this close to him. He swallowed the lump in his throat. 

They kissed. It wasn't like before. Now it was slow and tender. Kevin wrapped his arms around Connor's waist and pulled him close. Connor kissed him back. It was slow. And wet. And warm. And there was something about it that Connor couldn't quite explain. He liked Kevin's lips and the way they pressed to his and then he tilted his head and slid his tongue on Connor's lip. Connor didn't really know what to do. He let Kevin do what he wanted for the most part, but he wasn't complaining. His tongue was in his mouth and it felt really hot. Connor let himself fall. He let himself fall deep into Kevin and his mouth because Connor finally had realized what he had been missing. 

Connor pulled away, and wiped his mouth. Kevin looked a little nervous. They stared at each other.

"Kevin I-"

"I love you." He said. Connor's eyes went wide. "I really do. I think I fell in love with you when we first met and I didn't get it so I never said anything but know I understand and now I really need you to know that I love you and if you don't love me back it might just kill me." This was very dramatic, Connor thought, like a soap opera. "Connor?" He looked at Kevin. He kissed Kevin.

"I love you too." Connor felt twenty pounds roll off his shoulders. "I really really love you too." Kevin laughed and kissed him again. And just like that, things made a little more sense.

~

Connor was writing a letter to his dad. 

Kevin and Arnold and Jacob (Elder Church) were all sitting around him at the dinner table. Kevin had his arm draped around his shoulders and Jacob was reading the letter. He put it down and looked to Connor with a small smile. 

"It's good." He said with a knowing nod. Connor smiled. 

"I wanna hear it." Kevin said. "Read it out loud." 

"No, that's embarrassing." Connor said.

"Y'know what's more embarrassing?" Kevin said. He turned Connor's face and pulled him into a very passionate kiss right in front of the other two boys, who groaned loudly. 

"Oh get a ROOM!" Arnold yelled dramatically covering his eyes. Kevin laughed as Connor went very red. He punched Kevin in the arm.

"Ow..." he said quietly, rubbing his shoulder. "Just read it."

"I think you should read it Connor, it was really good." Jacob said.

"Yeah, I wanna hear it too." Arnold chimed in. Connor sighed and picked up his paper. The letter wasn't very long, but it was a good last hurrah. 

"I can't believe I'm doing this." He muttered and took in a dramatic breath. "Dear Steven McKinley, I am writing to you from a mission hut in the middle of Northern Uganda in a small village called Kitguli. I have been living here with my mission companion and team for a year and a half now and I couldn't be happier. I have made the best friends of my life and fallen in love with a young man who goes by Kevin Price. He is from Utah and he really likes Orlando. I wanted to write this letter to let you know that I forgive you for all of the things you have put me through. I hope you will read this and not be too angry, because I would love to start our relationship over. I want you in my life and I hope you want me in yours, but that includes my faults, and one of my faults is Kevin. I love you and will see you in December. Your first born son, Connor James McKinley." He put the paper down. Kevin smiled and kissed him. The other boys didn't make a sound this time. 

Connor was ready. He was ready to live his life and not cower in fear any more. He looked around the common room, and to his friends. 

He smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys liked it!! Also I love love looove reading your comments please comment something!!


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